NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
pelicons
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
🖤✌🏽