[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
“Wait, let me explain..”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”