Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The happy life.. 😊
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.