ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.