[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
It was worth a shot 😂
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.