Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I am having an out of money experience.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!