Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.