When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
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Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Mornin
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes