New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I have no passwords left in me
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon