Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics