She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
The Birdles
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”