Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
You Might Also Like
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.