google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
We’re all getting idioter.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.