Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Twitter is an abusement park.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.