[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email