going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.