[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.