[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Merry Christmas
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands