inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out