Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
🤣😂
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.