Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You Might Also Like
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
moms in horror movies
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND