have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*pokes sex life with a stick
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?