“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.