I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
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just got my engagement photos
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*