[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.