When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
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Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt