*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]