ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
stand with me against insufficient seating
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.