Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?