[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.