Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.