Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
ready to be harvested
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back