I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
For those that worship cheese..
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.