I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.