My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.