My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes