On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Cheers Twitter.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away