*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
This is a bad sign
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
🤣🤣
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes