Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
it’s finally my moment to shine