Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me in tagged photos
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.