Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Print is alive and well!!!
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread