I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5