I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.