[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage