My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
You Might Also Like
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?