the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly