18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“OMGJK” -atheists
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.