That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves