Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.