[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Who does Amazon think I am?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.